LESSON ONE: ACTIVE LISTENING

Have you ever had a conversation with a friend or significant other where it felt like you were speaking

two different languages? Have you ever had a someone tell you something while you were doing

something else and just agreed hoping that was the right answer? Have you ever found yourself leaving

a conversation thinking I have no idea what that person is thinking or what they meant?

 

These are just a couple of examples of common communication issues. Many of these problems can

be solved with improving communication skills. Take a moment to think back to the last couple of

and write down a miscommunication or misunderstanding that happened. Throughout the course of

lessons, we will ask you to go back and revisit this situation. This course will consist of four different

lessons:

·  Week 1 – Active Listening

·  Week 2 – Avoiding Judgement

·  Week 3 – Courtesy and Showing Kindness

·  Week 4 – Curiosity

 

 

We hope that after this lesson you will gain knowledge about proper listening skills and know to respond

to information.

 

Active Listening: What is it?

 

         Authors Robin Abrahams and Boris Groysberg in an article, “How to Become a Better Listener,”

for Harvard Business Review stated that active listening should three parts: cognitive, emotional, and

behavioral. Cognitively you should be focused on the stated and implicit messages trying to comprehend

the messages being presented. Emotionally you should be staying engaged with the conversation by

maintaining an even temperament. Physically the listener should be giving verbal and nonverbal

indications to the speaker of understanding and engagement (Abrahams and Groysberg, 2021).

 

         The point of using active listening techniques is to better help you as the listener to get the

meaning behind what is being said. We want to be able to reach a point of understanding, so that we can

respond in a way that will elevate the conversation and get on the same page with each other. Active

listening also shows to the speaker that they are a priority and helps them to feel understood.

 

What does it look like?

 

         In the book, Active Listening: Improving Your Ability to Listen and Lead six skills are listed

that make up active listening.

The skills include:

·  Pay attention

·  Suspend Judgement

·  Reflect

·  Clarify

·  Summarize

·  Share (Center for Creative Leadership, 2019).

 

Going forward we will look at each of these steps one by one. First, watch this clip from the TV

show Big Bang Theory and take a moment to write down any examples of the skills demonstrated by

Amy in this clip. This is an exaggerated humorous example of active listening.

Pay Attention

 

         The best way to make sure to actively listen is to eliminate distractions. Put down the phone,

turn off electronics, and give the speaker your full attention. My wife has learned from unfortunate

experience that if I’m watching a sporting event of one of my favorite teams that I will only get about

half of the things she is trying to tell me because I struggle to give my attention.

 

Take a second to write down some calm things that cause you to not give your full attention to a friend

or significant other.

Suspend Judgement

 

         One issue that many people have when listening to another is that they start thinking about how

they will respond while the other person is still talking. This causes them to miss many points that they are

still trying to make, and it makes it near impossible to get to their true meaning. Another thing to

remember is to not get too emotional. Suspending judgement can help us to maintain our composure.

 

Reflect and Clarify

 

         Reflecting and clarifying are the parts of active listening that mostly commonly comes to mind.

These two parts are grouped together because they go hand in hand when restating what was said and

asking questions to make sure understanding is achieved. Another important aspect of reelecting is giving

back the same tone as the speaker. If the speaker is excited than the listener should be leaned in smiling to

listen. If the speaker is somber than the listener should reelect that as well. Reflecting and clarifying are

not repeating what is being said in the form of a question.

 

 

         Paraphrasing can be affiliative, neutral, and disaffliative (Glenn, 2024). Affiliative paraphrasing

shows empathy and a general positive retelling of what was said (Glenn, 2024). Disaffilative paraphrases

show negative emotions and feelings in the restating of what was said while neutral paraphrasing shows

neither positive nor negative emotions (Glenn, 2024).

 

Watch this clip from Malcom in the Middle and write down some ways that Lois could have done

differently than just repeating back what was said by Malcolm.

 

 

         It is also important to identify and ask about the emotions that the person might be

feeling even if they don’t specifically state it. For example, you could say something like, “It seems

like this experience really made you feel depressed.” Asking further follow-up questions can make the

speaker self-reflect and give you more information to better understand them. It is also important to ask

more open-ended questions that seek to get the speaker to think more and get to a better understanding

(Center for Creative Leadership, 2019).

 

Summarize

 

         The best way to make sure that something is understood is my taking all the things that were

said and condensing down to the most important points. This also gives another time where the

speaker can correct any miscommunication or misunderstandings. This also shows the speaker that the

listener was paying attention and is seeking to reach an understanding.

 

Going back to the Malcom in the Middle video or The Big Bang Theory video write down how you

would summarize the conversations one of those conversations.

 

Share

 

         It is important that after we have better understood the speaker’s perspective that now is the

time to tell them your thoughts and opinions (Center for Creative Leadership, 2019). It is important that

you now build on the understanding that you have just reached and add to what has been said.

 

Dangers to Avoid

 

         In the study, “A Discursive Approach to Young Adult Romanic Couples use of Active Listening

to Manage Conflict during Natural Everyday Conversations,” shares five problem practices that use

some form of active listening in their everyday conflicts.

The five practices that they saw were:

• Psychological attributes – trying to guess at what the speaker is thinking or feeling
• Judgmental questioning  -  not responding with yes or no questions that question the
• Subtle reframes – changing one or two things of the speaker’s message to make it align with the listener’s thoughts.
• Story-topping – responding with a similar story.
• Minimal recycles by full-stops – letting the conversation halt by not adding anything or just a restatement of some of what was said (Korobov, 2023).

 

These five actions are ways that a person can turn active listening from something that will

improve communication to something that will further distance or impact the relationships we want to

have. Take a few minutes and go back to one of the earlier clips and identify one or more of these

practices. Write down how the practice you saw in the clip would be damaging to achieving

understanding and closeness.

 

Ways that I Can Improve

 

         The best way to become a skilled active listener is by practicing, practicing, and practicing.

The more a skill is practiced the less awkward it will fell and the more naturally it will start occurring in

your everyday life.

 

Watch this clip from Everyone Loves Raymond where Ray has just learned about active listening and is

using it to talk with his daughter. Write down the examples that you see Ray using of paying attention,

suspending judgement, reflecting, clarifying, summarizing, and sharing.

 

 

Challenge

 

         Each lesson we want to leave the reader with a challenge to practice the principles that have

been presented to better help improve relationships through communication.

We invite the reader to make a conscious effort to actively listen in at least 3 conversations this

week. The reader should then write up a brief reflection of what went well and what areas to work

on improving.