LESSON FOUR: CURIOSITY

In this lesson, we will discuss the fourth part of our communication skills lesson. We will focus on learning to be curious in our communication. Instead of assuming, judging, or responding to another’s words without thinking we will learn how to ask questions, pause to think before we react, and learn to be focused on the other person in the conversation rather than just ourselves. With these tools, we can better communicate with respect, kindness, and have more effective conversations.

Let’s Get Curious

To start this week’s lesson, please watch this video to understand why we should be more curious in our communication. After watching the video, what are thoughts that you have about being curious in communication? Does it seem silly and not authentic? It may in the beginning. Studies show that being curious is very effective in showing empathy for another person. Mcevoy et al., determine that empathic curiosity comes from the core skills of empathetic listening and maintaining a curious attitude. Listening involves not only the words that are spoken, but also how the words are expressed. They go on to discover that “ a curious attitude is necessary to direct attention towards the areas where meaning originates”. Lastly, they find that empathic curiosity appeared to help clients resolve conflicts (2013).

How does being curious help us in our communication? Being curious helps us pause, reflect, avoid judgment, and understand someone from another point of view. When we communicate with curiosity, we won’t automatically look at it from our perspective, but we can step out of our box and look at it from another’s viewpoint.

Matt Abrahams, who teaches Strategic Communication at Stanford Graduate School of Business, suggests that the most versatile communication tools that everyone should have in their toolkit is asking questions. “A well-timed question can accomplish a myriad of communication tasks from building trust and understanding, to fostering engagement and calming nerves” (2021).

Ask Questions

In this video from Modern Family, Luke’s parents discuss the benefits and maybe even issues that arise from their curious child. The lesson we can learn from Luke is to not assume things are a certain way. When we find out why things are the way they are, it helps us to have a better understanding. How do we understand more? By asking more questions!

In this video, the man’s four-year-old daughter is asking the question why. We may have all experienced this at one time with a young child. Their curiosity and ability to ask why teaches us to also be more curious. Children can be great teachers when it comes to learning more about being curious. Lauren Lowry from The Hanen Centre teaches educators on the importance of using curiosity to encourage communication skills. “Curiosity isn’t just being interested in something; it involves wanting to know more about something when we are surprised by it when it doesn’t fit with what we already know.” Experts who study curiosity have found that it motivates us to learn new things, and that this can even be seen in infants (2016).

Let’s practice asking questions. In your next conversation instead of just saying, “ok”, “whatever”, or dismissing the thought that is presented; try asking just one question. If we remember our elementary school lessons, all questions can start with who, what, where, why, and how. As a more introverted person, I struggle with asking questions. Not because I don’t have them but because I fear the answer. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, or I don’t want to assume that someone doesn’t know what they’re talking about. I have spent a lot of my life accepting the answers as they were given to me. What I always try to remember though is that when I think about the times that someone asked me a question, I was grateful for the opportunity to explain my thoughts more to help someone understand. Instead of worrying about myself, I try to get more into another person’s mind and realize that the questions I ask aren’t hurtful or unnecessary. In fact, they’re the opposite. They’re helpful and bring people closer because of the understanding that comes when we are more curious. Here’s a list of questions that can help you get started (Uniformed Services University, 2017):

• What was that like? • How did that feel? • What did you think when that happened? • How did you end up making that decision? • Tell me more.

There are four communication skills that support the approach to empathic curiosity. McEvoy and Plant teach us that 1. Asking short open questions 2. Picking up on emotional cues 3. Give time and space for the person to respond and 4. Explore the use of metaphors. With these steps we can cultivate relationships that are based on equality and common understanding, rather than power and dependency (2014). Healthy Communication Our goal over the last four lessons has been to help you communicate better to improve your relationships. At work, home, and school our relationships with those around us are vital to our success. Christopher Brown, who authored The Continuum of Healthy Communication presents a visual cycle of how our communication can impede or improve our relationships (2008).

Through the seven caring habits of “supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences” (Brown, 2008), we can strengthen our relationships with those around us.

Challenge In this last lesson, we challenge you this week to be more curious about others. Engage with them and go deeper into your conversations. Help them to understand your perspective and be willing to understand theirs. In the book, The Anatomy of Peace, the author talks about “taking off our shoes” with another person. It comes from an experience he shared in the book, but its meaning is to get on their level. Seek to understand rather than judge or assume (2015). Our relationships can be as strong as we’re willing to work on them. Be willing to put in the work and you will see yourself succeed! Good Luck!    

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