LESSON THREE: RESPECT AND KINDNESS

 

This lesson we will learn how sharing and speaking in a polite, non-threatening tone can

help their communication. Showing love, kindness, and respect even in our communication can

showcase our feelings towards others.

 

Why are we talking about Kindness and Courtesy?

 

         Kindness is something that is taught to us from a very young age. Parents always tell their children to be kind to others or to their siblings. However, it feels that

some people feel that they have outgrown this lesson. Others may feel that being kind is perfect for

strangers, but don’t apply the principle to those they spend the most time with.  Being courteous to

your partner means treating them with respect. Research completed by Danielle LaGree et al.,

found that in an organization where employers spoke to employees in a respectful tone and used

language that emphasized a “higher organizational purpose can cultivate a supportive culture and enhance

job satisfaction.” They go on to share that the study revealed that “people act or react and develop attitudes

or perceived needs based on the daily information they experience” (2023). This study teaches us that

those that are treated respectfully and communicate with language that is kind and uplifting are willing

to go above and beyond for other people. When we treat people with respect, they will show respect.

 

Take a minute or two to write down before the lesson begins what does it mean to you to show

respect to others?

 

Physical Benefits of Kindness

 

Oxytocin is released in the brain when we perform acts of kindness, we experience acts of kindness,

or even witness acts of kindness. How can understanding the neurochemical biology of your brain help

you in your relationship?

 

 

Positive effects of oxytocin include (Ginta, 2021):

·  Further increase kindness and generosity

·  Reduce blood pressure

·  Inhibits inflammation

·  Promotes healing

·  Reduces effects of stressor on the immune system

 

 

 

 

 

 

Niceness vs kindness

 

         Is there a difference between being nice and being kind? Oftentimes being nice means

sacrificing something to make another person happy. Niceness can easily fall under the category of

conflict resolution as a win-lose situation. However, being kind involves honesty and love. It would

fall more in the win-win category which each person leaving enriched.

 

Write down your thoughts about the differences between niceness and kindness. How would

understanding this change the way a person reacts in a marriage or relationship?

 

A Quick Practice

 

Watch this quick video and write down a few thoughts about how kindness would have

changed these situations.

 

 

         Notice how he stops and points out the two choices that the person in the relationship

could take to either escalate or deescalate the situation each time. The video is comedic so he decides

to say or do the escalating thing but imagine if before each instance in real life you could pause and

choose kindness. Many times, in the video the partner had the opportunity to show respect to their

partner but continued to choose reacting in an escalatory manner.

 

Finding a Kind Partner

 

Traditional males tended to value physical attractiveness more and traditional females tended to

favor social standing when looking at potential marriage partners. While fairness-oriented

females and males tended to value kindness in a potential marriage partner

(Tolman, Okdle, Ahn, Dohyun, 2014). One of the best ways to improve the amount of kindness and

respect in your relationship is to be the one who introduces it. Within any relationship whether it is

marriage, parenting, friendship, or at work we can choose to be kind to those with whom we

communicate. Sally Susman writes in the Harvard Business Review that anger will shut a person

down while kindness opens them up. She also shares that we should be “outward focused-on the other

person, not yourself” (2023). When we worry more about the other person in our communication, we

will be less likely to judge them for their words and actions but instead have feelings of respect and

kindness.

 

Escalating vs Deescalating

 

There will always be moments of conflict in any relationship because it is two separate people with

separate ideas coming together. Those who are good at interrupting nonverbal communication tend to

have higher quality relationships (Carton, Kessler, Pape, 1999). It is important to be able to understand t

he messages that are being sent by your partner both verbally and nonverbally to best know how to

deescalate. Take a few minutes to watch this clip from the movie The Break-Up.

 

Now write down any instances that you see where the couple could deescalate or make a different 

decision that could potentially change the outcome of their argument.

 

I will now go over a way that Vince Vaughn’s character could have used all the skills that we have

learned over these last three lessons to deescalate and maybe avoid the conflict.

 

 

 

Importance of Being Authentic

 

         Watch this clip from the movie Inside Out and determine which of the two characters Joy or

sadness is showing kindness and being respectful. Please write down your answer and any other things

that stood out to you in this clip.

 

         Joy has an ulterior motive because she wants to move on to where she wants to go. Sadness

takes interest in Bing Bong’s loss and asks a sincere question that shows that she was listening and

wants to know more about what is important to him.

 

Challenge

 

         Write down in your journal one goal that you have for this next week where you can be more

kind and/or courteous with those with whom you communicate.