LESSON TWO: AVOID JUDGMENT
In our last lesson we discussed one of the first steps of effective communication. Active listening.
Active listening is engaging with the speaker and validating what they say so as to show understanding.
In this lesson, we want to continue teaching you how to be a better communicator.We hope that at the end of this lesson you will understand the importance of avoiding judgment, not making assumptions, and not blaming others when communicating with someone.
What is Judgment?
Please watch this video to get a good idea of how judgment can be dangerous in a conversation:
Rachel’s dad made a quick judgment of her actions before trying to understand what her intentions were.
Take a minute right now to think about a situation in your life where someone you were talking to, or yourself,
had similar thoughts as Rachel’s dad. How did the conversation end? Did the conversation end with both parties
feeling understood? Probably not. In an article written by Empower Mental Health the author (2020) shares,
We as humans have an innate desire and ability to “group” things in our minds into categories- “like me” or “not like me”, “helpful” or “harmful”, all the way to basic judgments about whether things are “good” or “bad.” This is a protective instinct that we have that is intended to sort incoming information so that we know whether or not to move closer to things that are going to nurture us or run away from things that might hurt us.
Judgment can end a conversation quickly. When people talk, they want to be heard, validated, and
understood. When judgment is given, it can be harmful to the speaker. They will be less likely to share
more with you. In a 2019 study on factors that shape women’s pre-abortion communication with members
of their social network, one reason where women chose not to share with someone in their social network
was concerns about judgment. Reasons they chose to discuss with someone were needing guidance and
support (Chor et al., 2019). What can we learn from this study? None of us want to be judged, no matter
the scenario. When we are communicating, we are looking for guidance and support. Another study
researched how verbal responses affected friendship quality. Those friendships with a higher provision of
social support had higher instances of stronger friendships (Macdonald et al., 2023) Within our
communication it is important to be supportive rather than judgmental.
Throughout this lesson we are going to discuss how judgment is unnecessary and harmful to any conversation. It’s not always easy to remove judgement. Our brains are hard-wired to make sense out of situations and sometimes our brains want to make the worst out of something. Read on to learn how making assumptions and blaming will harm your communication and ultimately harm your relationship.
Making Assumptions
We all know the old saying, “assuming something makes a [dummy] out of you and me.”
Here are some that come to mind in my life:
· I assume my daughter will wake herself up every week-day morning for school.
· I assume my work day will follow a specific schedule.
· I assume my dogs will be quiet during my work calls.
All of these assumptions are specific to my life and maybe slightly unnecessary but using these as examples;
what would happen if my daughter didn’t wake herself up for school one morning? She assumed I would
wake her up. What if I logged in for work and there were some important emails I had missed the day before
that will now change my work day schedule? What if in changing up my daily schedule to quickly get my
daughter up and get her to school late and those missed emails that changed my schedule delayed my
morning routine. Because of this, I didn’t give my dogs time to go outside so now they’re more restless
and barking the whole time I’m trying to talk to a co-worker. Can you see how minor assumptions I made
changed my whole day?
On the contrary, if I check with my daughter the night before to make sure her alarm is set,
check email at the end of the day to make sure nothing is missed, therefore, being able to follow my normal
morning routine allows for me to take my dogs outside for a few minutes before my work day starts. All
of these minor steps allowed my day to go on as planned.
Let’s use this same thinking in our communication with others. We might assume some
things about people by the way they look or act. Even people we know, we can assume they will do
things a certain way. When I assumed my daughter would get herself up in the morning without checking
with her, I thought my day was ruined. I could spend the morning blaming her for not doing things the way
I assumed or I could remind myself that I forgot to check with her last night. I could then look at the
incident as an accident that doesn’t have to ruin everyone’s day.
Blaming
Let’s continue the scenario from our last section. My daughter didn’t get herself up because she
assumed I would wake her up. I assumed she would set her own alarm and wake up on her own. Because
she didn’t set her alarm and wake up on her own, she got up late and the rest of the morning felt very
chaotic for both of us. We could quickly move into the blame game. I blame her for not setting her alarm
thus, ruining my morning. She could blame me for not waking her up thus, ruining her morning. We would
blame one another, be angry at one another, and very easily say things to each other that we don’t mean.
This would potentially take a crazy morning to a day full of anger, resentment, and hurt feelings.
Brene Brown shares in this next video how blaming can be destructive in your relationship.
Brene shares that blame gives us semblance of control. Just as making assumptions helps us
feel in control, so does blame. If it’s someone else’s fault that means I didn’t lose control. They made the
wrong choice which led us to the situation we’re in. She also shares that blame has an inverse relationship
with accountability (2015). When we can blame something or someone else in a circumstance, it allows us
to remove accountability from ourselves. When we take accountability, we take back control, and can stop
the blame game. Instead of blaming my daughter for not doing what I thought she would do, I recognize
that I had just as much control in that situation. I could check with her the night before to make sure her
alarm is set, I can wake up a few minutes earlier on the chance I don’t hear her alarm go off down the hall,
so I can walk in and wake her up.
There are many ways we can communicate without blaming. We are allowed to share our feelings
in a situation such as, “I felt ____ when things happened the way they did.” We can feel our feelings
without diminishing someone else’s feelings at the same time. In this next video, think about how the
scenario could have played out differently if there were no blaming involved.
1. How did a simple mistake turn into an anger fueled argument?
2. What could the father have done differently?
3. What could the son have done differently?
An article from Alexander C. Walker et al., discusses how controlling the narrative
of a conversation can be harmful. This happens in blaming others. “A great deal of research
has examined how the framing of a message (e.g., positive or negative) influences its persuasiveness.
With a positive persuasion shown to be more effective than a negative one (2021, p.2). When we
immediately blame another, we set the tone for the rest of the conversation. It will have negative impacts
both on the communication and the relationship. When we avoid blaming and making assumptions,
we can turn any communication into an opportunity to understand, clarify, and respond without anger or
frustration.
Helpful Phrases
It’s not always easy to change our thinking in the heat of a moment. In this article it shares ideas of how
we can change the way we think about a situation:
Non-Judgmental Language-Helpful Phrases
More ideas on how to avoid judgment are (Empower Mental Health, 2020):
· Watch the words you say, “good”, “bad”, “right”, “wrong” insinuates an opinion
· Practice listening to understand
· Respond with observations, acceptance, and encouragement
· Substitute Curiosity- Be curious “What does it feel like…” or
“Why do you think you feel that way….”
Challenge Yourself
Challenge yourself this week in all your communications to avoid judgment, making assumptions, and blaming others in conversations. What can you do before a conversation to set yourself up for success? What about during? If a conversation doesn’t go as you’d hoped, how can you make it better? Practice is better than perfection. Sometimes this type of communication doesn’t come out naturally. Don’t give up or assume you’re not capable. Your relationships are worth it!
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